I wish I could Write

I wish I could write. There is too much going on in my big fat head. I lie in bed some nights thinking, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sometimes, I drift in and out. Not fully awake but not fully asleep. Somewhere in between. Then I start to think. I start to create scenarios. What if I had made xxx choices at xxx times, where would I be now? Is there really anything like destiny? Why did God give me free will?

I think about my bad choices. Why did I kiss that guy I met at Chocolate Royal cafe? It wasn't as though I liked him. I just did. He wanted me to kiss him, so I did. This thought leads to several other thoughts that lead to the revelation: I have kissed a lot of people I never really liked! I have smiled a lot of fake smiles. I have said so many "sorry's" I didn't mean. I have said, "I'll miss you" when in my head, I'm saying, "get the hell outta my face". I have even cried when in my heart I didn't feel a thing. What kind of person does this make me? I honestly wish I cared.

It's weird cos sometimes I am concerned about how people feel, so I watch what I say to them and how I say it. Other times, I don't give a rat's ass! Sometimes, I am patient and kind and considerate. Sometimes, I am cold, unfeeling, mean. I can count how many people I love. I love them differently and with different parts of my heart. I don't know if they all love me back. I don't love people because I want them to love me back. I love them because I love them. Just because. The people I love can hurt me. They are the only ones whose stabs can kill me. That's why I don't love everybody. I don't want to die young.

Destiny. I can't say I know what that means. Is it my destiny to be a mom to Lucas and a wife to Nathan? I don't know. If I hadn't come to Canada to school, where would I have met Nathan? If I left Canada in 2012 how would we have Lucas? If I had married that Igbo guy who wanted to take me to "Spen" what kind of life would I have now? When it comes to destiny, I don't know. One thing I do know, is that we have the freedom to make choices. Those choices have consequences and it is those consequences that we live out everyday. But then, shit happens. You make choices, you do your best, but sometimes, shit just happens!

If I could write, I would write pages and pages of shit. Bad shit, beautiful shit. Just shit that goes on in my head. The shit I think about when people around me are talking shit.

Oh well... I'm out!