Nostalgia 1

I really don't know why I have a '1' beside nostalgia. It's not my intention to write a lot about nostalgia. I have not really thought it through, I just know that I want to write something about nostalgia.

Nostalgia is a good and bad thing. I am more of a live in the present and look to the future type of person. There are a lot of things about my past I would rather not remember. Things that I have consciously replaced with other things in my mind.

For example, growing up, my parent's relationship had a bipolar quality to it. When things were good, they were really good. But, when things were bad, they were really bad. Violently bad. I choose not to dwell on it, because it makes me unhappy. It makes me embarrassed and it makes me mad. Unhappy that my father treated my mother so badly sometimes, embarrassed that I didn't say anything about it. In truth, nobody really said anything (at the time). I just pretended that it didn't happen; we all did. I am mad at how that experience affected me in relationships. I could not date any man who raised his voice (even if he raised it in excitement). I was afraid of bad-tempered men. When it came to men and anger, I gave no second chances.

My father and I had a good relationship, so I felt that to acknowledge this dark side of him was to denounce the good side. In my child mind, those two pictures could not exist. It had to be one or the other, and I chose the easier path. Don't get it wrong, I do not blame myself. I am not responsible for anybody's behaviour. I just wish that I could teleport back to that time, and react a different way.

There were times in my past when I treated people I love badly. I was disloyal to them, and insensitive to how my words or action impacted them. I was mean, didn't know what to say and when to say it. I just lived my life selfishly and carelessly. I hate to remember that time in my life. I do not know how those people can still love me. I look back at that time ashamed.

There are many periods in my past that I look back on and smile. Experiences that I am glad I had. Mistakes I made that now seem so stupid that I can't help but laugh at myself. Mistakes I almost made that would have been utterly destructive. Phew! Boy am I grateful for that still, small voice. I am glad for the life that I have lived and how all those experiences have made me who I am.

Is there really a point to nostalgia? If I could, do I really want to go back to any time period in my life? I would love to go back to my life in Nigeria though. Not for anything serious, just to eat ofada rice, yam pottage, suya, nkwobi and isi ewu, Ghana high ewa agoyin, my mother's oha and jollof rice, Delta kitchen starch and owho soup,Iya eba's rice and fish with roundabout and shaki. Yellow chili's pounded yam and banga soup, Jevenik's everything, PH bole and fish, asun from that place in Yaba (don't remember what it's called),  These are the things I miss about Nigeria. Oh, add air-conditioning. I live in Vancouver, we don't have air-conditioning! They claim it doesn't get that hot, and so it's not worth destroying the environment for. Isn't global warming a bitch!

Little nuggets from the bible that encourage me!

Ephesians 3:16-21
“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.” (NLT)

Jeremiah 29:11
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)

Isaiah 49:15-16
“Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.” (NLT)

Ephesians 2:4-5
“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.” (NIV)

Lamentations 3:22 – 25
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him. ” (NIV)

Titus 3: 4-5 “But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.” (NIV)

Romans 8: 35-39
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” (NIV)

----

I dedicate this post to a dear friend who needs to know at this time that God loves us, not because we love him or how perfect we are, but because He created us in His image. We are never too far away from the loving hand of God. xoxo

Once upon a cock

“Let’s get out of here”. Tommy said, grinning from ear to ear. I thought of how Bonnie wouldn't stop talking about how good a lay he was. A part of me doubted that anything had ever happened between them. Bonnie was such a cute liar. Her head was full of fantasies and sometimes she let some of her fantasies slip. Cute little pitiful lies.

“Sure, let’s go”. I followed him even though I didn't want to. He wasn't my kind of guy. I didn't trust frat boys who played sports and used so much product on their hair you could feel the grease a mile away. But I went with him.

We sat at the back of his truck and listened to Daft Punk as we smoked a joint. The conversation was shit. Tommy wouldn't stop talking about his boys, his vacation home in Maldives and his parent’s many cars and luxury vacations. I didn't give a rat’s ass!

I knew he wanted to rip my pants and fuck me. I didn't care. I hadn't been laid in over a year. At this point, he had moved on to tell me how hard it was to push the hoard of girls trolling after him. I smiled. “I bet it’s tough being one of the hottest guys on campus”. I said. “Spoiled for choice, eh?” He chuckled and shrugged. That was probably his weak attempt at humility.

Tommy leaned forward and kissed me. “Oh Michelle! You taste so good”, he moaned. In my head, I thought, “Excuse me, I taste of the burrito I had for lunch. Just kiss me and shut up!” Instead, I feigned a moan in response. He upped the tempo and started fondling my breasts. He was so rough it was disgusting. I kept moaning; pretending to love it. He pulled down his pants and revealed his cock. As soon as I saw it, I burst into laughter. “What the hell! Bonnie said you had a big dick.” I couldn't help myself. Tommy had the lamest dick I had ever seen and believe me, I have seen quite a bit. It was shaped like a blunt pencil and curved to the left side. It looked like he had been swimming bare ass in chlorine for days. I automatically reached out to touch it before he pulled away. Yes, it was hard. That was it at its best!

He started putting on his pants and was glaring at me the whole time, cussing under his breath. “Bitch! Fucking bitch! Whore…” I couldn't stop laughing. He yanked me out of the back seat and flung me to the curb. “What the fuck, Tommy. Calm down. There’s no need to be…” He got into his truck, revved the engine and reversed. The last thought on my mind was, “My purse… I need to call a cab”.

Tommy drove a GMC Sierra. We were parked on the dirt road behind the Frat house. It was dark and not one soul was in sight. Not even the couples who came out there to make out. Nobody saw when Tommy reversed onto the curb where I lay and crushed me with his truck. That was it. Just like that the conversation was over!

Becoming the monster mom!

Before I had my son, I thought many moms were crazy, deluded and obsessed with their kids. I thought moms who never saw any wrong in their kids, who cheered their kids on regardless, who kissed their kids every 5 minutes, were all crazy. I thought the moms whose kids ran around like maniacs in the grocery store were irresponsible. I thought moms who gave their kids pureed jars were lazy. I thought moms whose homes were untidy, littered with toys and cardboard boxes, laundry basket full and spilling over with unfolded laundry, were disorganized. I thought moms who ordered Chinese take-out cos they didn't have time to cook were women with poor time management skills. For these ignorant and judgemental remarks, I ask your forgiveness. These moms are heroes. They are the moms who focus their time and energy to shower love on their kids. They are the moms who realize that nothing else is more important than their little ones. They are the moms who love their kids regardless of what they do (or don't do) and who they are. They are the moms who will kill anyone who messes with their child. This is the mom I am slowly but surely becoming.

All I did last weekend was go out to Stanley Park for a day with my husband and son. LX wore his fancy boots and ran around the grass. He had a lick from my ice cream and went wild! Screaming and laughing. It was priceless! I was in the zone and I loved it. Sunday morning, I woke up sore and tired. My hubby had an appointment and left home at 10am. It was just me and LX and we had a wonderful morning/afternoon. I managed to get two loads of laundry done. Folded some, left some, I refused to worry about household chores. I chose to cherish the moment and enjoy LX's giggles and hugs and kisses. That was/is all that truly matters.

My momzilla moment came when my nanny said to me that LX wouldn't play with kids at Strong Start and just wanted to be held. My son is not that kid. He is social and friendly and playful. To hear someone else tell me something contrary sparked something inside me. I took deep breaths and just said, "Maybe he was having a bad day". In my head, I was thinking, "How dare you tell me what my son is like? How dare you say such things about my son? My son is awesome and if you don't see it, it's cos you don't know what awesome looks like!" I find that I get ticked when I comment on something LX does and she says, "Oh he does it all the time with me.". Bitch please! The only reason I have not gone all black girl crazy on her ass is because she still watches LX. I don't want her taking it out on my son. She is great, but she needs to learn what not to say to a working mom.

Anyway, I laugh at myself when these monster mom traits surface. I am unapologetic for the mom that I am and the mom I will be. I love my son fiercely and will annihilate anyone that does or says anything negative to/about him. I will rise to his defence any day and I will be his greatest cheerleader. I will shower him with love. A lady at Carlton Cards said to me the other day, "Love your child with all your heart. Hold him however many times you want. People will tell you that you're spoiling him, tell them, there's nothing like too much love". I am not a textbook/ internet mom. I parent with my heart and my instincts. I am a monster mom and I am proud of that. Deal with it!

John Legend leaves me all hot and bothered!

I don't know who else loves John Legend, but me and my girl, Chizzy, we drool over him all the time! I don't know what it is, but when I listen to his music, I want to cry. Lol. His music seems so honest. Like he is speaking directly to me. Like he is looking at me and saying, "Yes, you. It's all about you. All for you. All of it..". I smile back at him, there are no words. With John Legend, I don't need to say anything. Just listen and love.

My darling husband is in on this love affair I have with John Legend. Pardon me, his name doesn't sound half as hot when it's just first name or last name. No John, no Legend, it's got to be John Legend. One of my best "I'm going to cry" moments with my partner was the first time he was leaving town to teach for a week in the summer. The day before he left, I had a wedding to plan, and a party to attend afterwards. The day/evening got really busy and I didn't get home till 2am. When I walked into my bedroom, my heart melted. My bed was made - properly (if you know my husband, you'd understand why this means a lot to me), and John Legend's album was playing on the computer and a YouTube 'fireplace' page was open. Oh and yes, my dear husband was asleep! He fell asleep waiting for his wife dearest.

We lived in a really small apartment then, so no real fireplace, no sound system and no space for too much jazz, but I saw the effort and my eyes moistened. He actually thought of inviting John Legend to the party! Let's just say his efforts were rewarded nicely and it was a sweet goodbye.

I'm going to share snippets of one of John Legend's songs so you understand what a bad ass he is.

...Except when I make it storm, sex in the greatest form
And hibernate under my body
Yep I keep it warmer than a chinchilla
She know I beat it up like the thriller in Manila
Flying my private jet to villas in Anguilla
Than throw you on a grill
Cause seven days a week you’re my 5 course meal
For real!

...  hit you with the best stroke,

Freestyle and the breaststroke
Til you blow a cigarette smoke
And now the bed's broke
So what we gon' do now
Fuck it, round two now
Work it out, then we cool down

...You fix your make up, just so

Guess you don't know, that you're beautiful
Try on every dress that you own
You were fine in my eyes a half hour ago

Off to my John Legend listening party!

It was my birthday on April 2nd

It has been a really rough week for me. I always plan all these fun things to do for my birthday. This year, I thought, “Whatever! I'm not a kid. Why make so much ado about a simple day?” I made no serious plans and expected nothing. My darling husband rose up to the task and made my day very special and happy. When people say, “Happy Birthday”, do they really wish that you have a happy day or is it something that we say just because. The same way we say, “Have a good day”, “Have a safe trip”, “Have a good night”… I really think that we have got so used to saying these words as responses that most times we don’t mean it deeply enough.

Oh well, I digress. It’s really your business what you say and what you mean. I did have a truly happy birthday. Even though at the end of the day, I got sick and one week after, I am still on my way to recovery. Through the day, I kept having these nostalgic feelings. Last year, on my birthday, I was heavily pregnant. All I asked my husband for was a buttery, creamy vanilla cake. I told him to just get 8 inches and that I didn't want to share it with anyone. Lol. He fulfilled that wish, but made me share the cake.

The nostalgic feelings came mixed with gratitude. The child, who was weighing me down and ripping my ligaments last year, was hugging and kissing me this year. I know that every parent believes their child is the best kid in the whole world. Well, I know that indeed my son is the best kid you've ever come across. That’s a fact! He laughs a lot. Not the average hahaha, but an intense, pure, honest laughter. Sometimes, he laughs so hard that he snorts and farts. Ridiculous! I look at my son and I believe that God is real and He answers prayers. LX is all I prayed for and more.

So, I spent my birthday not reflecting on my life or achievements or lack of achievements. All I could think about was the little boy who is the most important person in my life (well, after his dad!). I get up to go to work every day and I feel guilty sometimes that I am not with him. I have a full time job, so my hours with him are very limited. But I remind myself that it’s ok. I am doing a good thing. I am working so that I can give him the good things of life. I am working so that I can teach him the value of hard work. I am working so that I can take him to visit his cousins scattered around the world. I am working for all these reasons and so much more.

My womb is still hungry. I look forward to having another baby. Spending time with LX and the new baby and doing this mummy business better the second time. I am looking forward to more laughter in my home. But the time is not right. I’ll wait a few more months and try again. Fingers crossed!

On babies and all that jazz!

So I have been having baby blues. My womb is hungry for a baby. I know it sounds crazy because I have a 10 month old who is a handful and half and here I am dreaming of having another baby. A friend of mine had a baby a couple of days ago and just hearing her moan about the accompanying pains and discomfort of child birth made me want a child even more! I decided to step back and ask myself why I want another child. Here goes.

• I feel like another child will bring an opportunity to do this mommy business better. I have learned patience and perseverance. I have learned that no matter how tough the first few days are, it gets better and easier every month
• I feel like another child will give me a reason to stay home for at least 9 months to be with my son and of course the new baby
• I loved my pregnancy body and the sexual desires that arose within me during that time. It was simply incredible!
• I miss the attention and affection that came with my last pregnancy. My husband waited on me hand and foot and indulged every single one of my excesses
• I miss the mystery that surrounds a budding pregnancy. You wonder about sex, about names, about the child's appearance, temperament. You dream every minute of every day and you wait as every day feels like a 100 years

It's all selfish, I know. But who cares? I am allowed to be selfish. I pray that this baby hunger ends with my 2nd child. So watch this space. Another lil Gaul coming soon.

P.S. I am NOT pregnant!

On death

I have been taking swimming lessons the past month and so most Tuesday and Thursday nights, I have to walk past Fraser Cemetery. Once upon a time, I was afraid of cemeteries. Now, walking by one makes me more aware of the reality of death. We live and we die. That is probably the most inevitable thing there is. You simply cannot live forever. Death has never been something I spent time pondering in the past. Of course, when someone I know dies, I am caused to think. So this is the end for them? With death, there are no second chances. You can’t go and then decide that you are not ready and come back to life. When you go, you are gone.

As a Christian, I believe that there is life after death. I believe that based on the life we live on earth and the sheer grace of God, we end up in heaven or in hell. Not everyone would agree with this, but hey! That’s what I believe and that’s what gives me hope. Hope for the times when things are not going well. Hope for when I lose a loved one. Hope for a life without pain, sickness and suffering.

Walking past the cemetery, I look at the stones and wonder. To many, those stones mean nothing more than the resting place of God-knows-who. For at least one person, that John Doe is a father, a husband, a wife, a sister… Those stones hold the remains of that guy who didn’t show up to work on Monday. That schoolmate who never made it home from boarding school. That mom, who never got to meet her daughter’s prom date. My co-worker just told me the story of how she lost her husband 30 years ago. He left for work in the morning as he always did. A while later, his boss calls the house because he hadn’t arrived at work. She says she knew immediately that something was wrong. She heard cop sirens and she knew they were coming to her. That was the end. He was gone. His car collided with horses! Just like that. She is 65 now and never remarried. That’s what death does to some people. It seizes their tomorrow, by seizing the companion who should walk with them into tomorrow. In those graves lie decayed bodies and broken hearts.

Every day that passes, I ask myself, “How many steps closer to your dream are you today?” Most times, I cannot answer that question.  Gone are the days when, “You have great potential”, was a compliment to me. Beneath those stones, lie potential. People who could have been more; done more. They probably didn't because they thought they had tomorrow. They thought that they had the luxury of procrastination. Well, you know how that story ends.

I am not really bothered about what people will think of me when I die. Or what legacy I would have left behind. I just want to know that I have fulfilled my purpose on earth. I believe that God fills us with so many gifts, so that we can bless those around us, and leave whatever little section of the world that we are in, a little better than we met it. Your gift might be charity, encouragement, writing, public speaking… Whatever you are equipped to do, do it with all your heart and all your might and all your soul. As though you are doing it for God. I don’t know when I will die, but I hope I live very long. Long enough to grow as a person, to see my children grow and to see their children grow. To enjoy a wholesome life with my husband. Whenever it is that I die, I hope my husband’s heart will be right with God, and that mine will be too; so that when this road ends for us, we will look forward to being together again in heaven. I want to be able to say, “I have finished with this world, I am ready to go home to my God and the heavenly saints”.

It's a new year!

It's amazing how fast 2014 flew by. I remember moments of it so vividly it's almost like yesterday. Oh well, I'm grateful to be alive and well. I'm grateful for God's mercies in my life. I'm thankful that I have hope. Hope that God is still at work, and my latter days will always be better than the former.

I stopped making resolutions a few years ago. What's the point? I make them, I break them and then I feel guilty. Now, I follow a pretty straight forward approach.

1. Be a better person this year. Drop at least one bad habit.

2. Learn to love and trust God more this year

3. Be a blessing to people around me

4. Forgive more quickly. Love more deeply.

5. Be the best partner I can be to my husband and the best mom to my son.

6. Be more disciplined.

This is a rough sketch of my 'non-resolutions'! I sincerely pray this year brings joy to the saddened heart, peace to the troubled soul, healing to the ailing body&heart, laughter to every heart and home. Be blessed!