Nostalgia 1

I really don't know why I have a '1' beside nostalgia. It's not my intention to write a lot about nostalgia. I have not really thought it through, I just know that I want to write something about nostalgia.

Nostalgia is a good and bad thing. I am more of a live in the present and look to the future type of person. There are a lot of things about my past I would rather not remember. Things that I have consciously replaced with other things in my mind.

For example, growing up, my parent's relationship had a bipolar quality to it. When things were good, they were really good. But, when things were bad, they were really bad. Violently bad. I choose not to dwell on it, because it makes me unhappy. It makes me embarrassed and it makes me mad. Unhappy that my father treated my mother so badly sometimes, embarrassed that I didn't say anything about it. In truth, nobody really said anything (at the time). I just pretended that it didn't happen; we all did. I am mad at how that experience affected me in relationships. I could not date any man who raised his voice (even if he raised it in excitement). I was afraid of bad-tempered men. When it came to men and anger, I gave no second chances.

My father and I had a good relationship, so I felt that to acknowledge this dark side of him was to denounce the good side. In my child mind, those two pictures could not exist. It had to be one or the other, and I chose the easier path. Don't get it wrong, I do not blame myself. I am not responsible for anybody's behaviour. I just wish that I could teleport back to that time, and react a different way.

There were times in my past when I treated people I love badly. I was disloyal to them, and insensitive to how my words or action impacted them. I was mean, didn't know what to say and when to say it. I just lived my life selfishly and carelessly. I hate to remember that time in my life. I do not know how those people can still love me. I look back at that time ashamed.

There are many periods in my past that I look back on and smile. Experiences that I am glad I had. Mistakes I made that now seem so stupid that I can't help but laugh at myself. Mistakes I almost made that would have been utterly destructive. Phew! Boy am I grateful for that still, small voice. I am glad for the life that I have lived and how all those experiences have made me who I am.

Is there really a point to nostalgia? If I could, do I really want to go back to any time period in my life? I would love to go back to my life in Nigeria though. Not for anything serious, just to eat ofada rice, yam pottage, suya, nkwobi and isi ewu, Ghana high ewa agoyin, my mother's oha and jollof rice, Delta kitchen starch and owho soup,Iya eba's rice and fish with roundabout and shaki. Yellow chili's pounded yam and banga soup, Jevenik's everything, PH bole and fish, asun from that place in Yaba (don't remember what it's called),  These are the things I miss about Nigeria. Oh, add air-conditioning. I live in Vancouver, we don't have air-conditioning! They claim it doesn't get that hot, and so it's not worth destroying the environment for. Isn't global warming a bitch!