Every
so often, especially in recent times, I have been forced to ponder these two
concepts. Does being lonely necessarily mean that one is alone? Does being
alone mean that one is lonely? No! Countless times, I am alone and at
peace. My thoughts keeping me good company, and my company being a suitable
companion at the time. Other times, I am surrounded by my sisters, my larger
than life nieces and nephew, there’s so much noise and activity and yet, my
mind wanders. I want more. I want a different kind of companionship that these
people I love cannot give me. I want to love a different kind of love. Yeah,
you guessed right. I am single.
I
thought loneliness was a luxury only single women enjoyed, but apparently that
is not the case. I have two very wonderful friends who I’ll call Sandra and
Frank. They've been married for 8 years and seem to have what everyone
thinks is a wonderful marriage – kids, nice house, good friends, a garden
*rolls eyes*. You know what I mean! Well, Frank asks me to go for drinks with
him one day after work and that is how I find out that what I thought was
utopia is a cold war zone.
For years, there has been zilch sex, countless
fights and a complete absence of basic marital camaraderie to say the least.
Wow! I’m being careful. I have to take in this information in bits. Now, I am a
suspicious Igbo girl and a project manager. I always want to know why. Why is
he telling me? Answer: He feels I’m easy to talk to. Why is he still in the
marriage if he is obviously unhappy? Answer: Because of the kids. Why doesn't he speak to her? Answer: He has tried and it always ends up with a fight. What
does he intend to do about it? Answer: Endure till he can’t anymore.
Well,
there we go. I go to bed alone every night and my heart breaks because I want
someone to hold me when I have a nightmare and there is no one there. And here
is Frank, sleeping beside someone night after night and still overcome by a
feeling of loneliness.
…
I wrote this 2 years ago and that day, I vowed I would rather be single and
happy, than married and unhappy. Well 2 years down the line, I am married,
happy and I have moments when I am alone. Being alone is not a bad thing. Being
lonely? That’s another story. Perhaps, some other day we will bring up Sandra
and Frank again. Believe it or not, they are still together patching it!
