John Legend leaves me all hot and bothered!

I don't know who else loves John Legend, but me and my girl, Chizzy, we drool over him all the time! I don't know what it is, but when I listen to his music, I want to cry. Lol. His music seems so honest. Like he is speaking directly to me. Like he is looking at me and saying, "Yes, you. It's all about you. All for you. All of it..". I smile back at him, there are no words. With John Legend, I don't need to say anything. Just listen and love.

My darling husband is in on this love affair I have with John Legend. Pardon me, his name doesn't sound half as hot when it's just first name or last name. No John, no Legend, it's got to be John Legend. One of my best "I'm going to cry" moments with my partner was the first time he was leaving town to teach for a week in the summer. The day before he left, I had a wedding to plan, and a party to attend afterwards. The day/evening got really busy and I didn't get home till 2am. When I walked into my bedroom, my heart melted. My bed was made - properly (if you know my husband, you'd understand why this means a lot to me), and John Legend's album was playing on the computer and a YouTube 'fireplace' page was open. Oh and yes, my dear husband was asleep! He fell asleep waiting for his wife dearest.

We lived in a really small apartment then, so no real fireplace, no sound system and no space for too much jazz, but I saw the effort and my eyes moistened. He actually thought of inviting John Legend to the party! Let's just say his efforts were rewarded nicely and it was a sweet goodbye.

I'm going to share snippets of one of John Legend's songs so you understand what a bad ass he is.

...Except when I make it storm, sex in the greatest form
And hibernate under my body
Yep I keep it warmer than a chinchilla
She know I beat it up like the thriller in Manila
Flying my private jet to villas in Anguilla
Than throw you on a grill
Cause seven days a week you’re my 5 course meal
For real!

...  hit you with the best stroke,

Freestyle and the breaststroke
Til you blow a cigarette smoke
And now the bed's broke
So what we gon' do now
Fuck it, round two now
Work it out, then we cool down

...You fix your make up, just so

Guess you don't know, that you're beautiful
Try on every dress that you own
You were fine in my eyes a half hour ago

Off to my John Legend listening party!

It was my birthday on April 2nd

It has been a really rough week for me. I always plan all these fun things to do for my birthday. This year, I thought, “Whatever! I'm not a kid. Why make so much ado about a simple day?” I made no serious plans and expected nothing. My darling husband rose up to the task and made my day very special and happy. When people say, “Happy Birthday”, do they really wish that you have a happy day or is it something that we say just because. The same way we say, “Have a good day”, “Have a safe trip”, “Have a good night”… I really think that we have got so used to saying these words as responses that most times we don’t mean it deeply enough.

Oh well, I digress. It’s really your business what you say and what you mean. I did have a truly happy birthday. Even though at the end of the day, I got sick and one week after, I am still on my way to recovery. Through the day, I kept having these nostalgic feelings. Last year, on my birthday, I was heavily pregnant. All I asked my husband for was a buttery, creamy vanilla cake. I told him to just get 8 inches and that I didn't want to share it with anyone. Lol. He fulfilled that wish, but made me share the cake.

The nostalgic feelings came mixed with gratitude. The child, who was weighing me down and ripping my ligaments last year, was hugging and kissing me this year. I know that every parent believes their child is the best kid in the whole world. Well, I know that indeed my son is the best kid you've ever come across. That’s a fact! He laughs a lot. Not the average hahaha, but an intense, pure, honest laughter. Sometimes, he laughs so hard that he snorts and farts. Ridiculous! I look at my son and I believe that God is real and He answers prayers. LX is all I prayed for and more.

So, I spent my birthday not reflecting on my life or achievements or lack of achievements. All I could think about was the little boy who is the most important person in my life (well, after his dad!). I get up to go to work every day and I feel guilty sometimes that I am not with him. I have a full time job, so my hours with him are very limited. But I remind myself that it’s ok. I am doing a good thing. I am working so that I can give him the good things of life. I am working so that I can teach him the value of hard work. I am working so that I can take him to visit his cousins scattered around the world. I am working for all these reasons and so much more.

My womb is still hungry. I look forward to having another baby. Spending time with LX and the new baby and doing this mummy business better the second time. I am looking forward to more laughter in my home. But the time is not right. I’ll wait a few more months and try again. Fingers crossed!

On babies and all that jazz!

So I have been having baby blues. My womb is hungry for a baby. I know it sounds crazy because I have a 10 month old who is a handful and half and here I am dreaming of having another baby. A friend of mine had a baby a couple of days ago and just hearing her moan about the accompanying pains and discomfort of child birth made me want a child even more! I decided to step back and ask myself why I want another child. Here goes.

• I feel like another child will bring an opportunity to do this mommy business better. I have learned patience and perseverance. I have learned that no matter how tough the first few days are, it gets better and easier every month
• I feel like another child will give me a reason to stay home for at least 9 months to be with my son and of course the new baby
• I loved my pregnancy body and the sexual desires that arose within me during that time. It was simply incredible!
• I miss the attention and affection that came with my last pregnancy. My husband waited on me hand and foot and indulged every single one of my excesses
• I miss the mystery that surrounds a budding pregnancy. You wonder about sex, about names, about the child's appearance, temperament. You dream every minute of every day and you wait as every day feels like a 100 years

It's all selfish, I know. But who cares? I am allowed to be selfish. I pray that this baby hunger ends with my 2nd child. So watch this space. Another lil Gaul coming soon.

P.S. I am NOT pregnant!

On death

I have been taking swimming lessons the past month and so most Tuesday and Thursday nights, I have to walk past Fraser Cemetery. Once upon a time, I was afraid of cemeteries. Now, walking by one makes me more aware of the reality of death. We live and we die. That is probably the most inevitable thing there is. You simply cannot live forever. Death has never been something I spent time pondering in the past. Of course, when someone I know dies, I am caused to think. So this is the end for them? With death, there are no second chances. You can’t go and then decide that you are not ready and come back to life. When you go, you are gone.

As a Christian, I believe that there is life after death. I believe that based on the life we live on earth and the sheer grace of God, we end up in heaven or in hell. Not everyone would agree with this, but hey! That’s what I believe and that’s what gives me hope. Hope for the times when things are not going well. Hope for when I lose a loved one. Hope for a life without pain, sickness and suffering.

Walking past the cemetery, I look at the stones and wonder. To many, those stones mean nothing more than the resting place of God-knows-who. For at least one person, that John Doe is a father, a husband, a wife, a sister… Those stones hold the remains of that guy who didn’t show up to work on Monday. That schoolmate who never made it home from boarding school. That mom, who never got to meet her daughter’s prom date. My co-worker just told me the story of how she lost her husband 30 years ago. He left for work in the morning as he always did. A while later, his boss calls the house because he hadn’t arrived at work. She says she knew immediately that something was wrong. She heard cop sirens and she knew they were coming to her. That was the end. He was gone. His car collided with horses! Just like that. She is 65 now and never remarried. That’s what death does to some people. It seizes their tomorrow, by seizing the companion who should walk with them into tomorrow. In those graves lie decayed bodies and broken hearts.

Every day that passes, I ask myself, “How many steps closer to your dream are you today?” Most times, I cannot answer that question.  Gone are the days when, “You have great potential”, was a compliment to me. Beneath those stones, lie potential. People who could have been more; done more. They probably didn't because they thought they had tomorrow. They thought that they had the luxury of procrastination. Well, you know how that story ends.

I am not really bothered about what people will think of me when I die. Or what legacy I would have left behind. I just want to know that I have fulfilled my purpose on earth. I believe that God fills us with so many gifts, so that we can bless those around us, and leave whatever little section of the world that we are in, a little better than we met it. Your gift might be charity, encouragement, writing, public speaking… Whatever you are equipped to do, do it with all your heart and all your might and all your soul. As though you are doing it for God. I don’t know when I will die, but I hope I live very long. Long enough to grow as a person, to see my children grow and to see their children grow. To enjoy a wholesome life with my husband. Whenever it is that I die, I hope my husband’s heart will be right with God, and that mine will be too; so that when this road ends for us, we will look forward to being together again in heaven. I want to be able to say, “I have finished with this world, I am ready to go home to my God and the heavenly saints”.

It's a new year!

It's amazing how fast 2014 flew by. I remember moments of it so vividly it's almost like yesterday. Oh well, I'm grateful to be alive and well. I'm grateful for God's mercies in my life. I'm thankful that I have hope. Hope that God is still at work, and my latter days will always be better than the former.

I stopped making resolutions a few years ago. What's the point? I make them, I break them and then I feel guilty. Now, I follow a pretty straight forward approach.

1. Be a better person this year. Drop at least one bad habit.

2. Learn to love and trust God more this year

3. Be a blessing to people around me

4. Forgive more quickly. Love more deeply.

5. Be the best partner I can be to my husband and the best mom to my son.

6. Be more disciplined.

This is a rough sketch of my 'non-resolutions'! I sincerely pray this year brings joy to the saddened heart, peace to the troubled soul, healing to the ailing body&heart, laughter to every heart and home. Be blessed!

My one year anniversary!

I find it hard to believe that it has been exactly one year since my last seizure. It's crazy how time flies. I am too emotional to write anything meaningful, but I'll be back. I really want to scream out loud. I want to spend my evening giving praise to God. I'm looking back with gratitude to God and looking forward with hope!

Be back soon!

My tremendous three!

This morning, I just got up, got dressed and left home. Didn't really have a destination in mind. I had to just leave home. I spend so many hours with my son and while I love the little munchkin and the time we spend together, I still need some alone time.
Anyway, I end up doing some Christmas shopping. I had lunch and decided to write out the things I hoped for in 2015. This is something I've done every year for 6 years. I don't know why, but I didn't do it last year. I like the exercise because it allows me review the year at the end of it and see the things I should be thankful for. And it's also a good way to watch as my priorities change with time.

I've drawn up a 3 page list (it's a small notebook! ) and I'm excited for next year! I start to think of my friends. I have tons of people in my life. What do you expect? I went to 3 high schools and I was pretty popular. I went to an awesome university and I definitely wasn't a wallpaper. I have been around a lot and wherever I go, I add on names to my friend list. I'm going to use friend here to signify people who I am happy to know. People who I can pick up my phone and have a good chat with. People who I would invite to parties, hang out with etc. This list is pretty long.

I'm here, scribbling the names of people who are my friends and it's funny that there are only 3 people who really know me. These people know the worst things about me. One of them, has experienced a lot with me. You really don't want to be a shared enemy, because we will destroy you. Lol.

These wonderful ladies are awesome because we fool around, make fun of ourselves and of people and we support each other with everything. The fun part is we are not a group of friends. I'm the common denominator. They know of each other but don't have a relationship of any kind. I think that's why it works. Group dynamics are way too complex. I've been there, trust me. And we pray together and for each other. That's a beautiful thing.

And I love how we all have different strengths. One of them is my voice of reason. If I go to her to confess something horrible I did, she will laugh at the ridiculousness with me. She will tease me, but she will always tell me the truth. She will tell me I've screwed and she will guide me towards fixing it. I admire that. She tells me what I need to hear, but she listens to my crazy rants. I love her with all my heart.

Then number two is awesome because she is many things to me. She is like an older sister. You should hear how she scolds me. I love her mum with all my heart and she will forever be special to me. Her mum taught me faith and held me in her heart and prayers through loss and sickness. That happened because my friend wore my grief. She is constantly praying for me and my family. We share each other's high's and low's. We have cried through loss, rejoiced at good news, laughed at our helplessness in certain situations. When I'm being silly, I hear her voice in my head and it causes me to rethink. We skipped being birthday mates by hours! Even though she is brutally honest with me, I love her and how principled she is. I love her kids with all my heart and she loves my son with all her heart. If anything ever happened to me, I know she will be there always for my son. She's the most loyal person I know. I'm privileged to have her as a friend. Why am I tearing up? Ok... ok... you get the gist.

Then number three. We are thick as thieves.  Our friendship started off like lightening. Like two naked wires sparking off. And just as it started, it dulled. I have no recollection of the events that dulled it, but yeah a couple of years passed and we lived our separate lives. One day, we started again. It was awesome and she made me see why I loved her in the first place. We have secrets and we have history and we have a gazillion memories. I love how we have grown together. We still have our crazy, but we are adults, moms, wives. We support each other, we are the two heads that are always better than one. We gently nudge each other in the right direction. Together, we have no shame. All there is, is love and understanding. She's the one friend I have who can literally swap lives with me. We instinctively have the same reactions to many things. When I hear her say some things,  I laugh cos it's like listening to myself. We have the same loves and the same vices. I love it!

As 2014 wraps up, I raise my glass to these beautiful women who have added color and value to my life. I love them and I thank God that I am privileged to call them friends. I hope that I can be half the friend to them as they are to me. I don't know if this last line makes sense but I'm out of here!