The Stranger in my bed

Every night I go to bed and wonder, ``Will this be the night`` The night I go to bed and have another tonic clonic seizure. It is annoying because somehow I feel like I am not complete. Like there is something not right. Something that needs to be fixed. You know how you feel when you give your shoe to a cobbler to mend. He returns it, you put your feet in and then you feel like there is something that he did not do right. You cannot at that moment tell what exactly is wrong, but as you wear it, day in and day out, that discomfort increases until one day you have your Eureka moment and alas, you find that the sole was filed a little to low to one side. That is how I feel. I feel like God tweaked something a little to one side and I am the result. My Bible tells me I am `fearfully and wonderfully made`. If I am so wonderful, then why do I cherish the odd night when I sleep till morning with no interruptions? Why do I cry myself to sleep some nights because I have just had enough? You know what makes it harder? The trying to be strong. I am not strong and I do not want to pretend that I am. I am lost sometimes, scared sometimes and completely confused some other times. It is the pretending to be strong that drives me nuts!

Love is NOT Over rated

Hi dears,

I have been so caught in my everyday life that this part of it has suffered. Well, I am here now. This past weekend, I spent some time with my husband's family. It just helped me understand certain things.

1. Love is NOT over rated
2. Getting older does not diminish the quality of love
3. Love involves being honest, open and true
4. You do not love people simply because they are members of your family.
5. Love never stops hoping for the best.
6. When you believe that divorce is part of life, it makes working on your marriage too much work.

I feel blessed to know these things and I hope that I bless someone with these truths. Life is so full of uncertainties that the only thing we are sure of is here and now. If we do not make it count, what then are we living for?

Take the time to make the people that matter in your life know that they mean a lot to you. Give, give and never stop giving. Let go and LOVE.

hugs and kisses...

What TV shows do you watch?

There is so much on TV, I almost feel like writing down all the TV shows I follow, their show times and then perhaps set my alarm as well! Okay, let us take a look at my recordings:

1. Dexter 
2. Criminal Minds
3. Smash
4. How To Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)
5. Murdoch Mysteries
6. Hannibal
7. The Following
8. American Idol
9. Orphan Black
10. Big Bang Theory
11. Under the Dome
12. Whodunnit
13. Mistresses
14. The Goodwin Games
15. Mad Men
16. The Colbert Report
17. The Daily Show
18. Paranormal Witness

I bet there are a couple more that I cannot remember right now. Imagine that? It is crazy how much time I spend watching TV!  Hmm... I have to try to make sure I am ingesting the right kind of stuff. If I am watching this much TV, I need to make sure I am watching good stuff. Why don't you look at your recordings and share what is on there. Have a great day!

Virginity is not a status symbol!

You are a virgin? Good for you! If you are not talking to a group of teenagers or speaking at a youth conference in church, or perhaps telling your story to encourage someone else, I really don't want to hear it! Why do people talk about virginity as if virgins above 25 are members of an elite club? Have you ever heard someone boast about her virginity? It is hilarious! "Kunbi is such a slut! I pity any man who marries her. Even this guy she is dating... We the good girls find it hard to get good men. Look at me, how many 29 year old girls do you know that are virgins?" Clap for yourself! You are a virgin, but you are a professional gossip, Anini has got nothing on you, any good deed you do, BBC, CNN and Al-Jazeera are not enough to help publicize your generosity. Please, spare me! Virginity is not a status symbol!

Let's go back to the origin of NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. The bible makes it clear that sin is sin. You cannot separate sexual sin, place it on a pedestal and then certify yourself a saint because you are not guilty of this one sin. It doesn't work that way! Another funny group of people is the group that says, "I am a virgin! He can go down on me, use his fingers, I'll give a blow job here and there, but I can never have sex before marriage!" Please take a moment and listen to yourself. What is a blow job? Oral SEX! While sex is pleasurable, the ultimate goal is to bring you to a climax. So, you are eating the meat, drinking the milk, but you are innocent because you did not kill the cow? Mscheeeew!

This examples of virginity stories come mainly from my Naija friends. The society judges you and has all sorts of crazy standards. It is okay to bribe, cheat, commit adultery along the way, but as long as you stay a virgin till you marry, you are a good girl. However, the guys who remain virgins till marriage, everyone says they are slackers. Set your own standards and be true to yourself. Be good because it is good to be good. Quit boasting and feeling superior because of your goodness. Most importantly, remember that virginity is not a status symbol!

When the going gets sour...

Let us say you have been married for 10 years, and you step back from the kids, work, house work and all the things that make your life busy and then realize that your marriage has lost its pizzazz. You find that you go to bed in granny pants and wake up in the morning, belch, fart and start your day. You have suddenly stopped giving thought to the person sharing your bed.

Once upon a time, you would wake up, excited and eager to check what was going on in his pajama bottoms, and he would be excited to find out if your nipples were awake. Now, sex, sexy lingerie, scented candles, lazy weekends and all forms of hanky-panky are reserved for Valentine ’s Day and birthdays. If you are happily married and yet have to pause to remember the last time you had sex, or did something exciting with your partner, then we have a problem!

Relationships do not change on their own, people change. Before a relationship gets truly sour, both parties have to throw in the towel. Same way it takes two to make it work, it takes two to break it as well. As long as one is still ready and willing to try, there is still hope.

To revive your sex life without breaking the bank to buy self-help books, attend seminars and counseling etc (not that these things are bad), here are some simple tips.

·         Be willing to admit there is a problem

·         Be ready to address the problem

·         Talk… Communicate. You might rush to say, “Same difference”, but relax. You can talk and not communicate. Find a good time, have a candid chat with your partner. Forget the blame game and address the issue. Work out how to fix things.

·         Plan a date night. Just the two of you. No phones, email, kids…

·         Arrange a special meal, get good music, take a shower and look good (not necessarily make up. Lingerie/lounge clothes will do). Then prepare to have a romantic, relaxing evening. Play board games; watch a movie, just talk. Whatever works for you both.

·         Talk often about the things that brought you together. To retrace our steps, we sometimes have to go back to move forward.

·         Resolve to have sex as often as possible. Sex is great for bonding, relaxing and generally increasing intimacy.

·         Be good friends again! You know how you pause in the middle of your busy day, call your best friend and recant a crazy thing that happened at work? Or how you do something silly or funny and long to share it with someone? Or you hear a funny joke and want to share it with someone? Well, once upon a time, your go-to bff was your partner. Why did things have to change? Next time you want to share, how about you reach out and share with him/her?

Are you blind?

This past weekend we had a naija party and of course there was a lot to eat, drink and plenty of gist! I love those gatherings because everyone is so passionate! Passionate about the food, the drinks and the gist. One topic that really caught my interest was the story of a "Lagos big girl" who has a sugar daddy and a "small boyfriend" who she is engaged to. She takes good care of her boyfriend and so everyone is happy. I was forced to wonder what kind of man is okay with the knowledge that his girlfriend is another man's mistress? The shocking part for me is that these younger men actually accept the expensive gifts that are handed to them courtesy the sugar daddy's money. Hmmm...

As a young man, you know your girlfriend earns N200,000 ($1,300 approx) every month and she drives a brand new Range Rover, lives in a serviced apartment in Ikoyi and goes on vacations at least twice every year. Her parents live in Mushin and have a run down Toyota Corolla. Where do you think the money is coming from? Bonus from work? Oh please!

When I think of it this way, I can't help but agree that men really know when their girlfriends are mistresses. It seems the Nigerian society has scorned adultery, fought it, realized it's a lost battle and then accepted it! How sad!

The different types of sympathizers

When something really unfortunate happens to you, then you realize that people around you have various (sometimes funny) ways of expressing sympathy. Recently, I went through a really tragic loss and my friends and family as is expected rallied around to express support/sympathy. In retrospect, I decided to categorize my sympathizers. Here are the categories:

The Uncomfortable Sympathizers - These people do not know how to react to your pain, so they decide to act as if nothing happened. You hate them and love them almost equally. It is somewhat annoying that someone would claim to be close to you and not be able to feel your pain. They come to visit and talk about everything but what you are going through. The good thing is that with them around, you can albeit for a short period, forget what you are going through.

The Unsympathetic Sympathizers - As far as I am concerned, these are the worst people to be around when you are grieving! They think they are consoling you by telling of people that have gone through what you are going through and perhaps worse. They tell you, "Look at these people and thank God. Your case is not as bad". How do I tell these people that pain is a personal thing? How I experience things and how the next person does is entirely different and personal.

The Respectful Sympathizers - These ones I respect and love. My husband, sister and two special friends fall under this category. They are honest about their ignorance. They know they understand what you are going through and they do not pretend. They know they do not know what to say, so they hold you and tell you, eventually you will be fine. They will call you and stay on the phone with you. talk about whatever you feel comfortable talking about and with these people, it is easy to cry. It is easy to laugh through the pain and it is easy to hold on to your grief for as long as you want. They do not try to rush you and tell you crazy bullshit like, "Life is too short, so you have to move on. '' To me, that sentence translates to,  ''People have gone through worse things , so suck it up! ''This, I reiterate is my favourite group!

The Bogus Sympathizers- This is the group I just shake my head at. They set out to cry more than the bereaved! They feel your pain more than you can ever feel it. They will claim to be praying for you, cry and worst of all , talk about your loss to anyone willing to listen.  Every time someone goes through something similar, they are quick to point you out as an example. It feels like they are proud to know a lot of people with sad stories and painful experiences. There is no truth in their sympathy at all.

Well, these are my four broad categories. Drop a comment if you share my views, have an explanation for why people are this way or if you have a different experience! 

BEWARE!!! Sex and the City is fiction!

The other day, I saw a back episode of Sex and the City showing on TV. I smiled, remembering which episode it was. The one were Big refers to Carrie as his ‘friend’. As was expected she was not too happy. That got me thinking about that tv show and how you can get so lost in it and start to think it’s ok and perhaps chic to change men like your underwear. Sex and the City is fiction. So is Lipstick Jungle and Desperate Housewives. In these tv shows, women cheat, men cheat and still retain their respect, dignity and true love.

In real life, if like Carrie, I decide to have a new guy every week, have sex with him and flaunt him as my boyfriend, the only word that would suitably describe me is SLUT. Yeah, deal with it! I have not done as many men as Carrie, but I sometimes feel like I have done one too many.

There is also the issue of STI’s. Condoms are not 100% safe, so a little herpes, gonorrhea and Chlamydia can slip in and after a wonderful night, little miss sexy could end up with sores, drips and a very unfriendly itch! Why don’t the tv show characters ever have diseases?

I think I like Smash. Julia cheats on her husband and her life is not rosy! She picks up the pieces, but you can tell that if she could, she would have done things differently. I get very involved in the tv shows I watch, so I would like for them to make it as close to real life as possible.

We all slip, and do things we may not be proud of, but let’s learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of the people we love, admire and spend an hour every week watching on tv. Don’t insult me or try to deceive me by making it seem cool to cheat, be promiscuous, to sleep with someone’s husband/wife. It’s totally uncool and can lead me down roads I’d live to regret.

TV is fun, but please don’t be fooled! Real life is so much different!

Loneliness vs Aloneness

Every so often, especially in recent times, I have been forced to ponder these two concepts. Does being lonely necessarily mean that one is alone? Does being alone mean that one is lonely? No! Countless times, I am alone and at peace. My thoughts keeping me good company, and my company being a suitable companion at the time. Other times, I am surrounded by my sisters, my larger than life nieces and nephew, there’s so much noise and activity and yet, my mind wanders. I want more. I want a different kind of companionship that these people I love cannot give me. I want to love a different kind of love. Yeah, you guessed right. I am single.

I thought loneliness was a luxury only single women enjoyed, but apparently that is not the case. I have two very wonderful friends who I’ll call Sandra and Frank. They've been married for 8 years and seem to have what everyone thinks is a wonderful marriage – kids, nice house, good friends, a garden *rolls eyes*. You know what I mean! Well, Frank asks me to go for drinks with him one day after work and that is how I find out that what I thought was utopia is a cold war zone. 

For years, there has been zilch sex, countless fights and a complete absence of basic marital camaraderie to say the least. Wow! I’m being careful. I have to take in this information in bits. Now, I am a suspicious Igbo girl and a project manager. I always want to know why. Why is he telling me? Answer: He feels I’m easy to talk to. Why is he still in the marriage if he is obviously unhappy? Answer: Because of the kids. Why doesn't he speak to her? Answer: He has tried and it always ends up with a fight. What does he intend to do about it? Answer: Endure till he can’t anymore. 

Well, there we go. I go to bed alone every night and my heart breaks because I want someone to hold me when I have a nightmare and there is no one there. And here is Frank, sleeping beside someone night after night and still overcome by a feeling of loneliness.

… I wrote this 2 years ago and that day, I vowed I would rather be single and happy, than married and unhappy. Well 2 years down the line, I am married, happy and I have moments when I am alone. Being alone is not a bad thing. Being lonely? That’s another story. Perhaps, some other day we will bring up Sandra and Frank again. Believe it or not, they are still together patching it!

My First Post - Manage your expectations.

Okay, so I am very excited to be blogging. I have imagined myself doing this for such a long time, but hey! I just finally got around to doing it. The big question is what do I write about today? Hmmm... Maybe, I should write about managing expectations in a relationship, especially marriage. I am newly married. Seven months actually and I love my husband to bits. To me, he is a companion, a friend, a confidant, a lover, sometimes he feels like the big brother I never had, he is so many things to me but the one thing I can not bring myself to view him as, is the man who is responsible for me. I am an adult. A 29 year old woman, who with her eyes wide open, went into a relationship with a young man. You see, I am from Nigeria and our culture expects a husband to be ultimately responsible for his wife. To make it clear, when I say responsible, I do not mean "look out for". I mean, send her to graduate school, buy her a nice car, pay her debts, buy her all the fine things and if she chooses not to work, provide for her every need. 

In my opinion, that is ridiculous! Since I got married, I have not had a steady job. Things have been super rough for me, and we have had to get by on one income only - my husband's. Bless him for his generosity and his love, but my good conscience has kept me restless and constantly looking for something to do to earn me some money. It's almost like a sin for me to sit at home idle and be kept. It seems unfair to do nothing when I can do something. 

A friend of a friend announces over lunch that she is not working and has no intentions of doing so. Now, her husband is not a millionaire or some rich kid from rich folks. He is a young man in his early 30's, struggling to earn an honest living. They are starting a family and his wife has the notion that it is his 'duty' to provide, so she sits on her hands and lets him play the role of provider. Is this not wicked?

Christian women back this selfish expectation with the quote that "a man who cannot provide for his family is worse than an infidel". I am a Christian too and I have read Proverbs 31. A woman should be a helper, a supporter, she should be an anchor. My husband is my partner, and supporting him gives me joy. It is nice to be looked after, but I think we should all fairly assess our situation and act accordingly. Don't spend your retirement fund on things that have no value now and then keep struggling to make ends meet all through life. Work together, save together, build together and at the end, enjoy together. Delayed gratification is not the end of the world. 

Every wise man respects a woman who supports him, makes wise decisions and has his back. If you want to be kept, find yourself a sugar daddy!

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home; let the husband make her happy  to see him leave ~ Martin Luther